Friday, 18 April 2014

Commitment.

'You can't have me in your life if you aren't going to love me, I'm too good for you,' I think to myself half heartedly.

How dare silly little teenage boys who don't know how to treat a woman think they have the right to enjoy the best part of me without loving the worst?
Maybe I don't blame them, I have friends for that, I have so many people who love me despite my flaws. 
I'm lucky. I am too lucky. 
Maybe I already have more love than I deserve. 
Maybe they have every right not to care as much as I want them to.
That can't be true though, I need something more one day.
Maybe I don't know what I need. 
Have some fun, stop feeling so much.

No, I was born to feel. I need to be more assertive than this. Show them you aren't interested. 
You aren't. Are you? You can't let anyone know you care, or that you feel a thing. 
Better yet, stop feeling, don't be so naive. 

But then again, 
He loved me and I pushed him away, I didn't love him back. 
Why didn't I love him back? He would have killed for me. What is wrong me with me? 
I say I want something but then when it wants me, I shy away.

'You aren't worth my time,' I think to myself stubbornly. 
I am so much better than this, this is cheap, easy, emotionally void. 
So why do I keep giving this the time of day and free reign in my brain?
The expiration date is sooner than what it's worth.

Everything about me is built on a solid foundation. 
"I have strong values," I think to myself.
Maybe I'm too proud. 

17 comments:

  1. This is great writing!

    www.writingmonique.com

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  2. I like this. I really, really like this.

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  3. Wow Meg. This is so beautifully written. The way you question yourself sounds exactly like me, it can be so hard to know when you are making the right decision. :)
    Happy Easter my friend. :)

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    1. Thank you Emma!
      It ended up being really easy to write this, it just sort of flowed out of me because it is what goes around in my head sometimes. It's nice to take in your thoughts consciously and tear them apart.

      Happy Easter to you too! I hope it was a good one :) x

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  4. This writing is phenomenal

    x leah symonne x

    itsleli.com

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    1. Thanks Leah! That means quite a lot from you!
      xx

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  5. what a beautiful piece of writing, loved it! x

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    1. Thank you so much Laura! I'm glad you enjoyed it :) x

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  6. Interesting monologue, I too have often thought too much into what I want and what I expect from relationships. Some boys were too perfect, others didn't meet criteria. I've learnt to not worry too much, but it's hard.

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    1. Yes I think that's a lesson I've learnt too, not to give it so much thought. If you do, it can seem like some boys are much greater than they really are or some aren't as bad as you might think.
      Thanks for reading and commenting! x

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  7. Almost my thoughts exactly, being the over-analyzing, boy-crazed teenager I am. Oh Meg, I love how you express yourself through alternate forms of writing to create something absolutely beautiful.

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    1. Haha unashamedly boy crazed, I like it :P

      Thank you so much Rachel, lots of love xo

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  8. Aw wow, this was deep, whether it was intentional or unintentional. Such a beautiful post, and I am glad I finally got around to reading this after hearing about it somewhere on social media! haha. :)

    Naturally Jes

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    1. I'm with Jes on this one! I haven't forgotten about you, I just have been so caught up with life to catch up with everyone :( but I'm glad I'm getting back on track and I'm starting off with you. Beautiful words from a beautiful girl

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    2. Aww girls, I love you so!

      Thank you Jes! I guess it was intended to be different, and ended up being a bit deep :P

      And Sam, that is perfectly okay! I know what it's like. Thank you so much for always encouraging me, you are one of a kind xx

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