I spent a good amount of time lying in bed tonight staring at my half unpacked suitcase, that I want to empty and have a clear floor but feel too ill to deal with. I've thought too much about the marks on this suitcase as I've been staring at it, just like in recent days, I've finally be able to see the marks and imperfections that are a part of me.
When a suitcase gets checked in, out of your reach, it goes on a journey all of it's very own. Who knows who it might meet along the way. While it's being chucked onto trolleys, rummaged through by customs, loaded on and off planes, squished in with its other suitcase chums, it gains wear and tear.
We too, wear and tear while we travelling through life. I personally, while sparing you the details, picked up a pretty nasty bug just before returning to Australia and have been bedridden for about a week, I also burned, tanned a tiny bit, gained some freckles. I also grew up a bit, saw lives I've never seen before and the love I have for others grew in new friendships. This was all wear and tear, and maybe some repair, in this crazy thing we call life.
And just as I have been worn by life physically, I have been worn emotionally, like you.
I've grown a lot since starting this blog, that is super cliche, but it's true. And the last year has challenged me personally in ways I have only briefly touched upon here. Mostly because until recently I didn't understand why or what was causing me so much anxiety in my life. If there is one thing I know, it is that I have a good life and I am grateful. Only recently have things started to become clearer to me.
I am a human being and human beings carry things with them, perhaps like suitcases. You leave with certain things, and you come back with marks on you and you've had to make more room for the things you collected while you were going through life. Some carry more because they see those around them struggling with their load, you might bring back a friends excess shopping with you to help them out. Some human beings carry very little with them, and those people are the envy of people like me.
I am the kind of human being who will take on the weight being carried by others. I believe that with all my heart that sometimes I should carry the weight for others. But I will take the weight off others until it is weighing me down to the ground. My metaphorical suitcase gets to bursting point and I get lost again to distance myself from the weight I'm carrying. All the while ignoring the things I've been carrying around needlessly for longer than anyone should.
The last thing I would ever want to be is selfish, or lack compassion, and in wanting not to be these things and take care of those in my life, I have lost sight of myself and how little compassion I have been treating myself with.
We have all been worn and torn by life, it's not selfish to unpack your suitcase sometimes.