Monday, 4 May 2015

The Last Stop - Life in Photos #SMGOT

I took far too long to edit these because other things got in the way. This was our last stop at Beechwood near Wauchope NSW. We visited a few of my Aunt's friends to check out their awesome design and architecture endeavours, a lot of the shots are from a place called Comboyne which is one of the most unique little communities hidden in the mountains. They are some of the last photos that were taken on my 60D before I got my new camera. Credit where credit is due some of them are Steph's work! :)
More adventures like this soon please x

Sunday, 3 May 2015

Recovery.

I don't know if the rest of you are getting sick of pictures of Warrandyte but I am not quite there yet. Sometimes I come home and I walk down the front stairs from my car to the top level of our house and I look across the valley and just have to take a moment. It's honestly a pretty amazing place to live and might make leaving home for adult endeavours very hard to do. 

As you might have noticed I've been in a bit of a state lately and for the most part my blog has been pretty depressing. To be fairly honest, that's a pretty accurate representation of the way things have felt recently. It's kind of amazing and a little scary how being physically ill can really catch you off guard and make you feel awfully down. Painkillers especially me made me feel very sad and disconnected for quite a few days, I just count myself lucky for the support I've had. 

I want to turn it around at a pace we are all okay with and talk about what is positive right now. A few happy things: 

1/ I am turning 21 this week! 
Now while this has been a huge source of stress for me in the last few weeks as it had put a time limit on recovery, I want to change the way I feel about it. I've been really excited for this for a long time and I want to enjoy it as much as possible. 
My best friend Steph is flying down from Brisbane to be with me this weekend for my party. Our other best friend Cassie is road tripping up from Gippsland which means... we will all be in the same place!!!!! That hasn't happened since September last year so, if everything else goes up in a flaming disaster, there is that to be grateful for. 

So many friends and relatives have gone out of their way geographically and financially to be with me on the weekend and I am so excited about that. My mum has poured herself into making this a special time for me. 
Another happy thing about my birthday is that I get to meet Carolyn who will be photographing it for me, so double excitement there :)

2/ VSCO released a free trial version of their amazing presets for Lightroom, if you use Lightroom I would 100% recommend checking it out, if you don't then what are you even doing? :P

3/ Yoga exists. More importantly Yoga with Adriene exist on youtube and is healing me in more ways that one. I cannot sing Yoga's praises highly enough and Adriene is a truly kind and genuine soul.

4/ My boyfriend is really great. I know I'm lame but he put ear drops in my ear for me for heaven's sake! He let me watch Pretty Little Liars when I was sad and didn't even complain. I'm a lucky human being. 

So whatever you are doing this week, if it's stressful or slow, I hope you make the most of it and take some time for yourself :) x

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Mercy

I found this little bit of reflection in the notes on my phone last night and then tonight I was on twitter reading statuses about the executions that are most likely going ahead in Bali tonight. I think this is the only way to explain how I feel about the world this past week in particular. A week when thousands of the impoverished have perished in a natural disaster, and I am not naive enough to believe that we could make no difference in that number. A week when Black Americans continue to be murdered by those entrusted to protect and serve them, their right to demonstrate comes with the loss of their personal safety. 

And now this. Until now I've never felt particularly attached to this news story. As much as I would never condone the death penalty for Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran, and I think that even prison is beyond their crimes, I would much rather the mainstream media drew attention to the names and faces of those who are ignored because they aren't Australian, and they are apparently not our problem despite being innocent in every sense of the word. But I am human and I think that the executions of these men has touched me and many others not only for the blood spilt by firing squad in Indonesia tonight but because there is something very wrong in this world when any life is ended before it should be. 

I wrote this the week that Boko Haram massacred 3000 people in Nigeria, and our leaders only wept for the victims of Charlie Hebdo. And sadly, it's again how I felt when university students in Kenya were gunned down in their residences. And it's how I will continue to feel, I am sad to say, many time in my life.
I'm never informed enough to say for certain who should do what and who is wrong and sometimes these situation seem more complex to me than anything else ever has. There is not just good and evil and I'm reluctant to fall into this trend of demonising a whole group of people based on the actions of few. And yet it's the actions of few who rule this world. 
I know it's not as simple as just stop killing each other but I don't know why it isn't as simple as just stop killing each other. 
People on all sides of these conflicts have suffered more than I could ever imagined.
I wish I could know each story, not just the story of James Foley, or Peter Greste or Malala. I want to know all the stories of suffering so that I can bear the burden with my fellow human. But I can't and my body will never breathe enough breaths to know all the pain of so many people. 
That in itself, the sheer amount of suffering renders me hopeless. 
I don't know why I'm writing this, except for to convey how incredibly sad I am. I don't have a god to pray to. I don't know where to gather hope from anymore. How can I believe that things happen for a reason? How can I believe I deserve a life like mine while so many suffer? 
Perhaps I need to say this to put my sadness aside to allow me to find some defiance. I'm lost though, and I don't think it would make any difference if I weren't. 

Much love, 
Meg x

Monday, 27 April 2015

A lesson in putting your health first...

I've been really reluctant to post on my blog, which I hate. So I am just going to do it, as frequently as I feel the need. I felt reluctant because I haven't had the time or quite honestly the energy to reply to comments and read other blogs. I want to assure you that I love doing that. But at the moment my priority is healing, and expressing myself while my creativity flows. I'm not fussed about comments anymore as much as I love hearing your thoughts, I just want to be real.

I have so many different ideas coming out of all my nooks and crannies that it's very hard to decide which one to write first. Like for the first time in my life I might actually queue posts on this little space.
I'm super pedantic about things, my ideas, I like to spit them out and then neaten them up but sometimes they get too messy and I can't even deal with it. Regardless I find myself sitting at my computer at 4 am sticking words together with glue trying to make something that resembles what I actually mean.

A lot has happened since I last came to this keyboard to write a post. I'm going to be honest, it's been a terrible week. Usually I say that and I mean I've had a rough time with work or I've been hard on myself or people have caused conflict in my life. I can be pretty unnecessarily tense, which I have accepted about myself. But this was a different kind of terrible. One that I had absolutely no control over and one that scared me.

I've never been really sick. Even after this week I'm not going to pretend that I have been really sick, I haven't. But after two trips to emergency in one week I am so so grateful that I haven't. I cannot even imagine the pain and unhappiness that people who are consistently in hospital have experienced.

At the start of this week I was diagnosed with an ear infection, given antibiotics and I thought not a lot of it. It was kind of funny, you know, the sort of thing that kids get and it just goes away pretty quick. Boy was I wrong.

Wednesday I reached the first peak pain, I was terrified. Ear pain is really relentless, there is no relief and I sort of thought after a day and a half of antibiotics that I would be starting to feel better. After ringing an after hours doctor for advice I went to the Emergency Department. I was sent home with reduced pain because of anaesthetic in my ear and recommendations about over the counter pain relief which in the end somewhat exacerbated the problem as the ear drops made my my ear like a swollen swimming pool.

The next night after I had taken all the nurofen and panadol that a person is allowed to take in a 24 hour period, my pain started to skyrocket. The next day I was supposed to be working, a whole 8 hours of paid photography work and I was desperately clinging to this. Not because the work itself was going to change the world, but because opportunities like this don't come along unless you work for them. And I had worked for it.

I was devastated when I finally gave in and let Mum take me to another ED. I say I was devastated, but its hard to put the emotions you feel when you're in a lot of pain into a normal context. The pain and the disappointment were feeding off each other and I had lost perspective. I am no longer devastated, slightly disappointed, but at the time it felt a lot bigger and all important.

I found the help I needed. I was given a comfortable space and had professional and soothing nurses. After a quite strong pain killer failed to bring my pain down, I'm not going to lie I was really starting to panic. I was crying and just begging my mum to make it stop.
I'm actually pretty good with pain usually, I breathe through it but this was above and beyond.
Eventually the nurse had to inject me with morphine and anti-inflamotories, I was so wound up that when he said he had to inject it into my butt muscle I was crying so hard and I needed calm down and psych myself up for it, but I just couldn't so I got injected while crying hysterically. I was so embarrassed afterward but at the time I honestly had no conscious control over my body.

After a long night, I went home about 8 am the next morning and I have since been slowly getting better, but it's a journey. Painkillers are a bitch on your body.

But the point of this is not about me being sick or what was wrong with me, it's that I very nearly didn't go to hospital because I wanted to work the next day. I was happy to spend all weekend in the hospital if I could just have 24 more hours to what I thought was most important.

Since a lot of what I do and the success I have in it self determined, it's very hard to draw a line between working hard to fulfil your potential and being counter-productive. It's pretty simple though, you can't work if you're dead. Not that I was going to die, but you feel where I am going with this?

Some things are just more important. I remember once when I was in primary school a teacher asked us what was the most important body part to keep you alive, your heart, your brain or your thumb?
Arguably you need the first two all the time, but it's hard as a kid to see that even if you had your brain, it cannot function without your heart. So your heart is the most important.
"But what good is your heart if you are brain dead?" I hear you cry. I know, I know.

While I want so much and love my work, and it's the most important thing to me a lot of the time, it's nothing without a body to do it with or health to enrich it.

This seems like a really simple thing but sometimes it isn't black and white, in the thick of the moment it's pretty easy to say you'll think about the consequences later. Don't.

If you skimmed this all and took nothing from it, please watch this video. I found it by accident while stalking my favourite filmmaker but I know I was meant to watch it this week. There are people in real pain, unending pain, and when we are lucky enough to have relief from pain, so should they. It is the least we can do.


Monday, 20 April 2015

Recently...

1/Mum's Birthday Pansies. 2&3/Cocoa Moon. 4/Mum's Birthday Roses. 5/My parents got new lounge room furniture. 6/Barry the Bird visiting me. 7/RSVP Cards :)

Monday, 13 April 2015

Sonia & Zac | 14.3.15

Hi Guys!
So as many of you may know I shot my first wedding about a month ago and I'm really excited to share it with you all. It was an amazing day. Two awesome families came together and celebrated love with so much energy and enthusiasm. I feel so honoured to have shared it with them and captured it for them. Words don't do it justice and I can honestly say I won't forget this day as long as I am snapping photographs. 
I'm nowhere near perfect and I've got a lot that I'm excited to learn but this is a big deal to me, I'm quite proud. I'm also planning on writing about the things I learnt in another post so keep an eye for that. 
Enjoy! 

Friday, 10 April 2015

Glory in the Process

As valuable and necessary as the process is, there is no glory in it. I feel like it's a pretty common habit to glorify the process, search for little nuggets of motivation to get us through to fruition. I feel that. 
I don't blame you for instagramming every time you go to the gym so that one day you can instagram your goal body. I get it. 

I left you all, I'm sorry. It's the process. The process and I became one and I am so very close to the glory. I can feel it in my bones.
I'll tell you where I've been and what I've been doing yeah? Well, I'm going to even if you don't want me too. 

I have been spending all the time I would have spent on this blog, and reading your blogs, with my boyfriend. Let us not lie to one and other. We are bigger than that. I'm sorry. Please direct your complaints to him. 

Three things that my life has also been revolving around.

1/ Turning 21. 
I'll tell you this now so you can save yourself, when someone asks you what you are doing for your 21st, forge your age and say that it's not for another 5 years. Rinse and Repeat until no one asks you anymore. Simple.
My Mum actually said to me the other day "I spend like 70% of my time planning this party!"
Send help!
(I'm actually super excited about this!)

2/ Editing. 
I am a hopeless perfectionist and I'm excited about the prospect of doing this for the rest of my life. I also can't wait to start sharing. I'm close, I promise. 

3/ Scanning
I was super sick (and now am having blood tests and such to suss it out) over Easter. So I did what any normal person who can't sit still does. I scanned 3000 film prints so that my parents have digital copies of their photographs. My parents have a treasure trove of photographs, spanning across the last century. It is amazing and I could spend my whole life doing it. The photograph above is my Grandfather in my guess is the 1950's because I think it's meant to be 'Singing in the Rain' but I'm not sure! There were a lot of photographs like this, more serious portraits and snaps, but this one caught my eye. Despite being ripped, it's a favourite. I loved my Pa a lot, and I think he would have been pretty awesome to know about this time.

Now I'm going to try to read your blogs, I mean no promises, I can't stand the commitment. 
Lots of love, 
Meg x